WaterGaetz

Matt Gaetz has always been a sleaze. He was unfit to hold political office even before the new allegations against him.

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Dear Reader (including those of you who—like me—don’t understand why Culver’s wasn’t serious about their new Curdburger),

If you’ve been paying very close attention to my oeuvre, you might have gleaned that I think Rep. Matt Gaetz represents almost everything wrong with the GOP and our politics generally. One clue might have been when I wrote last February, “The GOP should ditch the symbol of the elephant for a meme of the gasoline fight from Zoolander, with Matt Gaetz getting jiggy to ‘Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go.’”

There was never anything personal about it. I’ve never had a conversation with him. I did see him at Fox’s D.C. studio a few times, occasionally accompanied by a young woman in a very short, tight dress who—not to traffic in superficial stereotypes—looked like her purse probably contained a fresh pack of condoms, a portable credit card reader, and a recently refilled prescription of tetracycline.

But Gaetz’s “romantic” life was never the source of my animosity. I put romantic in scare quotes because, if reports are true, his lifestyle doesn’t strike me as particularly romantic. Negotiating bulk discounts on sex, assigning point values to different conquests (with alleged bonus points for virgins), and hammering out the details for orgies doesn’t quite fit my understanding of “romantic.” I mean, Pretty Woman is a decent romantic movie, even though it centers on a prostitute. But I don’t recall Richard Gere sharing nude pictures of Julia Roberts with Ralph Bellamy and Jason Alexander.

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  1. Avatar photo
    David.A.Landry

    What has become of the allegations against Gaetz? I haven't heard anything in a very long time.

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    Patti Scriffiny

    Number of words requiring a Google search in this G-File: 6. New record. Well done, sir. Although there aren't many I could use in other places without blushing...

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    Jeanne A

    Folks, keep in mind, in Jonah’s defense, that Gaetz is under investigation for “all kinds of sleazy sex stuff”. Personally, I don’t really care who’s doing who in DC. EXCEPT, when it’s buying and selling “sleazy sex stuff” from a 17 year old girl. Then I care a lot. And I don’t really care if you are an amazing legislator (He’s not. He’s not even a marginally ok legislator.) I care that you are breaking the law and taking minors down with you. NOT OK!!!

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    Theirn Scott

    Jonah, me thinks you had the interns working overtime finding spanonyms for this piece. If you came with all those out of your head, I'm deeply impressed.

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    1. Avatar photo
      Theirn Scott

      And yes, yes, we still need an edit button.

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    Rob Weiter

    I enjoyed your price perseverating on the many failures of Matt Gsetz,. I was a little surprised at the attack that seemed more ad hominem than your usual approach -- and the guilty pleasure of reading it, shaking my head and agreeing with it. I always learned that ad hominem attacks were not a valid form of debate (at least according to debate instructors), but in this era, in this case, with this jerk, it seemed entirely appropriate because in this case, largely, the problem is **Matt Gaetz** himself.
    Let's not forget the same Matt Gaetz who got a DUI in 2007 + numerous speeding tickets. Although a lawyer, he still comes off in my mind like a smartass punk kid... I'm now old enough that I can use the phrases that my late father used to use and it's appropriate.

    As I write this very early on Easter morning, I keep thinking of the words of Jesus, "let him who has not sinned, cast the first stone" and, as a retired minister now working as a commentator / journalist, I feel a little guilty but then I remember that just like clergy, politicians are in the public sphere.
    His relationship with God is not what I'm judging here, it's his appropriateness to be serving as an elected official well engaging in such reckless, extremely inappropriate and perhaps illegal behavior.

    I say "perhaps" because, as both a licensed clinical social worker and a clergy person, I was not ever a lawyer. I believe the exact legality of his behavior is being examined by the Justice Department..

    Republicans who impeached Bill Clinton for lying under oath about his affair with Monica Lewinsky, need to take an even harsher stance with tGaetz -- and Republican members of the house should introduce a motion did he be expelled from the US House of Representatives for life. It should be Republicans because this really needs to come from "his" people rather than the slim Democratic majority. It is more important that the Republicans do this now than ever in this tribal divided nation, but they won't. Republicans no longer have the courage and have become too much of a political personality call than a trully principled conservative party.

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  6. V Addeman

    I need to make an effort to work 'cacafuego' into my normal vocabulary.

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  7. Anthony Pasquini

    The single best paragraph in English essays: "Until this week, my objections to Gaetz were quite politically high-minded rather than comstockish or prudish. (I will say that even though I am only about a dozen years older than the guy, he does arouse—so to speak—my inner cranky old man and a desire to use grumbletonian language that is out of step with the times. Even if he’s not a confirmed philopornist, he’s certainly a crapulent cacafuego and coxcomb who, when not busying himself with organizing seraglios of slatternly driggle-draggles, serves as one of America’s foremost rhetorical bescumbers.)"

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  8. Ryan King

    This line is flawless and really illustrates the issue with politicians like Matt Gaetz. I want my politicians to govern, not sit in green rooms at Fox.

    “He’s probably done more good faith negotiating with prostitutes about knocking down the price of a three-way than he has ever committed to getting legislation passed.”

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    Stephen M.

    "Since the guy is a Playmobil-shaped pinata who can be bashed from almost any angle and yield some reward..." brought about a laugh which alarmed my family. Classic.

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  10. Greg G

    I don’t know how or when, but I’m definitely working “retromingent” into a conversation this week.

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    1. Crankypants

      Ditto.

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