Dear Reader (Including those of you will be persuaded by arguments only if I punctuate them with loud stage whispers like Joe Biden).
As I am nothing if not transparent to you, Dear Readers, this once again is one of those times where I’m getting a very late start on the G-File. Even as I write this, I don’t know what this “news”letter is going to be about and I implore you to keep that in mind as you read it. If I end up having great and powerful insights that change your life, fantastic. But I’d rather you read this in the spirit of, “Let’s see what Jonah can come up with in 90+ minutes of typing” than, say, “This is the final product I will judge Goldberg by from this day to his last day.”
If I could, Thanos-like, snap my fingers and remake reality anyway I wanted, I … well, hold on. If I could do that you probably wouldn’t be reading this “news”letter because I wouldn’t be writing it. I’d almost surely be doing something else. And even if I were the all-powerful master of time, space, matter, etc., and I still thought the best use of my time late on a Friday afternoon was pecking out this epistle, odds are good you wouldn’t be reading it, because I would probably have done a lot of cool stuff already, like create a dozen other, easily visitable Earth-like planets throughout the solar system, each populated with hypoallergenic adorable animals that don’t poop and let you use their enormous bellies as hammocks. I certainly wouldn’t eliminate half of all living things the way Thanos did, on the dumbest interpretation of Malthusianism imaginable. Seriously, the guy thinks that resources are in short supply, so he kills half of all living things? If you get rid of half of the crops and animals along with half the sentient lifeforms, how have you created meaningful abundance for anybody? So maybe this Thanos set-up was a mistake.