Baby Got Brief

(Sarah) Oh my god, David. Look at her brief. It is so … short. [scoff] ...

Published March 14, 2022 • Updated October 10, 2022

(Sarah)

Oh my god, David. Look at her brief.

It is so … short. [scoff]

It looks like one of those emergency appeals.

But, you know, who understands the Shadow Docket? [scoff]

They only take those cases because they have novel procedural posture, ‘kay?

I mean that brief, is just so, short!

I can’t believe it’s written so fast, it’s got, like typos! I mean— gross. Look!

She just got relief!

(Chief Justice Roberts)

I like fast briefs and I can not lie

You other judges can’t deny

When counsel walks in with a brief that is thin

And asks us to step in

You get stayed! Per the APA

‘Cause the facts here aren’t OK

What you did was arbitrary

And executive action is scary!

Oh baby, I wanna write for you

Per curiam will not bore you

My colleague, he’s Original

But this brief you filed makes me feel Textual

Ooooh, gov’ment litigant?

Wanna ignore precedent?

Well brief me, write swift,

‘cause you ain’t that average plaintiff!

I’ve seen them pleadin’

To hell with where that's leadin’

She’s pled, Club Fed

Has it going like Judge Willett

I’m tired of law reviews

Sayin’ history is the thing

Take the average Justice and QP that?

It’s gotta pack much text

So This Honorable? (Yeah!) Court? (Yeah!)

Has the appellant got the brief? (Hell yeah!)

Tell ‘em: file it! (File it!) File it! (File it!)

File that healthy brief

Baby got text

David French

David French is a columnist for the New York Times. He’s a former senior editor of The Dispatch. He’s the author most recently of Divided We Fall: America's Secession Threat and How to Restore Our Nation.

Sarah Isgur

Sarah Isgur is a senior editor at The Dispatch and is based in northern Virginia. Prior to joining the company in 2019, she had worked in every branch of the federal government and on three presidential campaigns. When Sarah is not hosting podcasts or writing newsletters, she’s probably sending uplifting stories about spiders to Jonah, who only pretends to love all animals.

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