Politics Wasn’t Meant to be Loved

On Valentine’s Day, consider how curiosity, friendship, and beauty can curb an obsession with politics.

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The Financial Times recently reported that men and women, especially among Gen Z, are increasingly diverging politically. Over the past 20 years, women between the ages of 18 and 29 have become considerably more liberal, while men in the same age cohort have become slightly more conservative. Given that most people marry those who are like them—including politically—some worry the findings spell trouble for the future of relationships, marriage, and family formation. This being Valentine’s Day, however, let’s reflect not just on how growing political divisions are pillaging our romantic relationships, but on how toning down our obsession with politics might yield a change of heart.

But first, here’s the main problem: As traditional touchstones of meaning—faith, family, friendship—have declined in recent decades, people are increasingly misplacing their sense of purpose and identity in political issues. We’ve made idols out of politics, hurting not just our democracy but also our most personal relationships along the way.

What are some symptoms of this political idolatry and misplaced sense of purpose? 

One is a tendency to react disproportionately to political disagreement. It often feels like in everyday conversations we see people go from zero to 60 when a hot topic they’re invested in comes up, responding with inordinate rage, defensiveness, and aggression. It’s as if they were being personally attacked, resulting in an instinctive “fight or flight” response. If we’re thrust into survival mode the moment we are exposed to a heterodox view, a romantic relationship—which requires vulnerability and trust—where both parties disagree politically easily goes out the window. 

Another symptom is letting politics crowd out other areas of life. Everyday decisions—where we send our children to school; where, whether, and how we worship; where we get our news; what sports teams we support; and where we get our coffee or buy our running shoes—now have divisive, political dimensions. We’ve “overdone” democracy by making politics too central to our lives. And in overdoing democracy, in allowing politics to take up too much of our mental space, we have undermined it and the prospects of many personal relationships. 

And a third symptom is breaking off personal ties over politics. Children not speaking to their parents over their votes for Donald Trump. A friend cutting off a lifelong companion because of her pro-vaccine views. A niece choosing to skip family Thanksgiving because of her aunt and uncle’s extreme views on the environment. Allowing politics to come before family and friends is perhaps the most stark symptom of a disordered love and misplaced meaning in politics. And this tendency can prevent interpolitical romantic relationships from even forming in the first place.

Allowing one aspect of a person—their political views—to stand in for the sum total of a longstanding relationship, or allowing political differences to keep a relationship from happening in the first place, is both unduly reductive and essentializing of the other. Doing so ignores that we all come to our views of the world for many reasons. It’s also a personal tragedy: When we see the world through the cheapened simplicity of litmus tests of purity, we hurt others and ourselves.  

Winston Churchill said that “a fanatic is one who can’t change his mind and won’t change the subject.” We’ve become a society of political fanatics: seeing threats where there aren’t any, making everything about our pet issues, and hurting our relationships and souls in the process.

What can be done? Can our personal lives be saved from the crisis of this political idolatry? Is there a way to not let politics dictate how and who we date?

There is.

It’ll involve putting politics back in its proper place, recovering the mental territory it currently occupies. When politics is the primary lens through which we view the world—when our own political beliefs are the most important things in our lives—it’s easier to demonize those who disagree with us and to justify cutting people out of our lives and out of society. So we’ll need to desaturate our lives of politics, and then fill the gap with life-giving, soul-enriching pursuits that will make civility in our politics both better and possible. Among these pursuits, I propose three: curiosity, friendship, and a renewed appreciation for beauty.

First, curiosity. Curiosity is a disposition of fundamental wonder about the world around us. It is a zealous interest in questions related to the human condition: Who are we? What is our purpose? What is our position amid the cosmos? Curiosity requires the humility to recognize our natural limits as human beings, and to realize that we never have known, never can or will know all the answers to these and other important questions in life. More than that, curiosity requires the modesty to respect that people will approach and answer these questions differently. 

When we’re curious, we see difference in opinion as an opportunity to grow, not as a threat to be quashed. Curiosity opens us up to friendship and romantic relationships that challenge us and make us better—to the end of reclaiming richer personal lives.

Second, friendship. “Friendship is unnecessary,” C.S. Lewis wrote in The Four Loves. “It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things which give value to survival.” Friendship, like art, can flourish only after our basic needs are met, when we are in a position of relative safety and stability instead of in a state of war against our fellow man, nature, or ourselves. But such goods are what constitute civilization. So the basis of any society, or any romantic relationship for that matter, is friendship. 

Friedrich Nietzsche was wrong about many things, but he was right when he wrote, “Marriage is as one long conversation. When marrying you should ask yourself this question: do you believe you are going to enjoy talking with this woman into your old age? Everything else in a marriage is transitory, but most of the time you’re together will be devoted to conversation.” The lifeblood of any relationship, romantic or platonic, is good dialogue—and dialogue is not mutually interesting with two parties who agree on everything. Plus, robust disagreements are best had and tempered when parties fundamentally love, care for, and respect one another. Intentionally cultivating friendship—and even romantic relationships—across differences is therefore an essential ingredient to the life well lived, and to healing our broken world. 

Third, we must recover a love of the beautiful and the sublime. Lewis also observes in The Four Loves that we often picture lovers face to face. True love based on friendship, however, more likely entails two friends standing side by side, their eyes looking ahead and outward together. That’s an essential part of friendship and successful romantic relationships. 

To better equip us for life together, we must build habits of introducing the sublime into our daily lives. After a long day at the office or an afternoon spent in traffic, we can rejuvenate ourselves by looking up at the stars at night, or reading a poem, or listening to a song, or contemplating a work of art that enriches our interior life. The 20th century philosopher Iris Murdoch made a similar point about the imperative to “unself,” letting the power of beauty and nature displace us from the center of our universe and to instead focus on others and the world around us. The practice of “unselfing” is an essential part of seeing our personal relationships survive, and seeing our society sustained. 

Life together is vexing. If we go too long without tending to our interior lives, the frustrations of life with others can make us cruel. Our public life today is led by people who have become miserly because they’ve gone too long without encountering the beautiful to fill their emotional and spiritual well. But we each have more power to elevate our personal lives and heal society in our daily decisions, rituals, and habits. 

In our fraught and divided moment, curiosity, friendship, and the sublime and beautiful—including regular exposure to nature and art—have the possibility to fill us up, nourish our hearts and minds, and guide us toward the good, the true, and the just. These pursuits can calm the selfish aspects of our nature, making us gentler, kinder, and more open to doing the hard work of coexisting with others. And who knows: They might even help our romantic prospects, too. 

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  1. Avatar photo
    EmmyCab

    Great piece, thank you!

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  2. Zephyrus

    I totally agree with the endorsement of The Four Loves! That said, one question. In my conversations with those afflicted with the political idolatry described, the most typical self-justification is that, for them, politics is an existential struggle. On the left, LGBT people view political activism as the only thing preventing conservatives like us from forcing them back in the closet. For MAGA voters, every single person they trust tells them that the left is out to destroy everything they hold dear, transforming the America they know and love into something else. The only responses I can think of to those concerns is, to the LGBT, that there should be nothing dishonorable about a life of self-denial; we all have urges that we don't act on. To MAGA, that cultures always change from generation to generation, and they should participate in good faith in that process if they want to guide it in the direction they would prefer, rather than attempt to use force to artificially freeze the culture in place. But both of those responses, though factual, are the opposite of what the recipients want to hear, and thus they stop their ears and refuse to listen. How are we to get the idolaters to face the change they fear, and see it as their salvation, not their damnation?

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    Ben Connelly

    The Four Loves is such an underrated book! Might be my favorite of everything I’ve read by Lewis (including The Abolition of Man and Mere Christianity and The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe.

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  4. Ronell

    Excellent post, Alexander. As a local politician in Texas, I've seen up close how the seriousness with which people take politics leads to fractured relationships, frayed nerves, and stressful interactions. As I am wont to say, "It's not that serious." At least, it shouldn't be.

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  5. Vaddeman

    I couldn’t finish this piece. Not because I disagree with the premise but because it seems reductive. Maybe I’m drawing a conclusion from personal experience, but my wife and I mark thirty-seven years of marriage today. We disagree on virtually all the ‘big’ issues: politics, religion, the environment, etc. But she loves me (don’t ask me why), and I love her. At the nadir of our marriage, some years ago, it would have been easy to call it quits because it didn’t seem to be working, but that was never an option for me. And she once told me she’s ‘better with me.’ Turns out, neither of us put ourselves at the center of us.

    I suppose I’m being somewhat reductive when I say the key to any relationship, whether marriage, family or friendship, is to make it about everyone involved, not yourself. Is that what you were trying to convey?

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      Rdpulfer

      I don't believe the author is advocating for a catch-all to make marriage work. I think instead, she's calling for opening up a dialogue, whether it's between friends or spouses. I think elements of our society - such as social media - have reduced people down partisan identities, and the author is calling fir renewed dialogue as well as personal connections between friends, relatives and spouses.

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  6. Mirabelle

    Faith, family, and friendship didn't take a hit because people got tired of them. Economic factors have created a society that requires more time and effort spent on work, leaving the other three far less opportunities. This wasn't a choice people made, but the result of squeezing all the money possible out of each employee.

    And since people value connection but have no time or energy left after work for faith, family, and friends, they turn to the ease of the Internet. And get sucked into the often unhealthy environment of online politics. If you find that online politics makes you anxious, that's an indication that you should cut down and take your dog for a walk instead of looking at your phone.

    Recognizing that online political engagement is a substitute for connection, and making more real life connections as you can, will defuse a lot of our present anxiety.

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    1. Dhafvens

      Far be it from me to defend money-grubbing companies, but I have trouble blaming poor social connections on the hours they push employees to work. What era are you comparing it to? Farmers and small business owners put in grueling hours, and they were more common 100 years ago than today. Hard labor jobs before the era of organized labor were pretty rough as well, and if someone had to bake breaf daily and wash clothes by hand, that was certainly time-devouring.

      I would look at the following:
      1. Our society is getting very good at providing addictive entertainments that don't require the risky and sometimes tedious labor of spending time with others.
      2. As more families have had two wage-earners, the prices of goods and expectations of what is "the good life" have gone up, to the point where we feel like we have to be working much of the time to make ends meet.
      3. The jobs of earlier eras might have had more social aspects than today's computer -dominated office jobs and factory assembly lines.

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      1. Mirabelle

        Because work was so hard back in those old days you describe, it was usually done with others and had instant connection. Your comment is one that makes me wonder if you know any people. Or at least people not close to retirement age. On your number one, I refuse to ascribe to the "people are terrible" belief that says they deserve their pain. On number two, you're getting closer to understanding why no one has time anymore: everyone is working and life maintenance takes up the rest of their time. I see you threw in one again here, that's it's just those rotten people making poor decisions causing themselves all these problems. Making ends meet is hard to do these days. Number three again makes me wonder if you've met people. Do you know what those people are doing on their computers at their jobs? Communicating with others. Work, in fact, puts effort into seeing to it that employees connect. But that's different than in real life, and the most satisfying connections are found there.

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  7. LucyTrice

    To end a relationship with someone with whom you have talked face to face, whose life intersects yours in ways that have nothing to do with politics, and to do it based on information received second or third hand (at best) from someone with whom you will likely never speak with face to face and whose physical path yours will never cross - this is utter foolishness.

    Everything starts with epistemology, whether we recognize it or not.

    [Editorial suggestions for reducing the above to something manageable are welcome. The idea is important and needs to be pithy.]

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    1. Midge

      “Everything starts with epistemology, whether we recognize it or not.”

      It’s already pretty pithy — and, more importantly, true.

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      1. LucyTrice

        Thanks.

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  8. Brett

    Love this. I unself watching 4k nature videos many weekdays with my kids.

    Re romance with the other tribe, had some hot times with progressives but for marriage I'm glad my wife is more aligned with me. I don't foresee a lot of divisions among parents raising children. They will be relatively conservative. The progressives will have fewer and fewer kids. I cannot believe how many of my once progressive friends became conservatives trying to raise kids in covid.

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  9. Sean Dougherty

    Good to see you becoming a star Lexi. It was comical how much attention you could get for yourself with your talent vs what I was able to do as a publicist.

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  10. Jon Kirsch

    Well and beautifully written and a perfect Valentine’s Day reflection. I love the concept of ‘unself’ and had not heard of it before. It’s something I will try to practice. I’ve found that curiosity has been the foundation of almost all of my friendships - shared curiosity about shared interests. Intuitively what you say makes a great deal of sense.

    Although I am no football fan, a famous football coach once said (and I’m paraphrasing here), when meeting someone do they have these qualities - 1) Do they care about others? 2) Are they committed to excellence? and 3) Are they honest? If they have at least 2 of those 3 going for them, then they may very well be friendship material. It’s a simple prescription but I think if people took that approach to friendship rather than the political litmus test and cancel culture approach we see today, we would see more friendships blossoming all around us.

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