That Dog Won’t Hunt

Kristi Noem’s ruthless miscalculation.

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Donald Trump listens as North Dakota Gov. Kristi Noem speaks during a Buckeye Values PAC Rally in Vandalia, Ohio, on March 16, 2024. (Photo by KAMIL KRZACZYNSKI/AFP via Getty Images)

When you work for The Dispatch, it feels like a faux pas to write about political news in which a dog features prominently before Jonah Goldberg has had a chance to weigh in.

Dogs are famously a passion of his and so this feels like his “beat,” not unlike how populists rhetorically soiling themselves online is mine. When Trump-worshipping influencers like Laura Loomer or “Catturd” post something wacky on social media, that’s my turf, buddy. I call dibs.

When a vice presidential short-lister reveals that she once shot a puppy in the face, the dibs properly belong to Jonah.

But I’m going to take on the subject anyway, partly because we won’t get a new G-File for another two days and partly because there is a robust “MAGAs seething online” angle to explore here. Just not in the way that many would have expected.

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  1. Joe

    She obviously didn't write the book, nor did she bother reading it. See the Kim Jong Un thing. But also obvious is that the dog in this story needed to be put down. This is such a stupid controversy, but this is a stupid country.

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    Andy Napoli

    The take away I'm getting here is that Trumpism without Trump just took a hit with this episode. Nobody other than Trump can get away with the crap he routinely gets away with. All of the Trump imitators can't achieve the moral escape velocity. That's good news for the country.

    The fifth theory that I thought of, is that Noem with held corroborating details in order to flush her enemies into a trap. For example, what if she had photos of a kid or grandchild who got bit by Cricket, and revealed them after a week or two of getting pummeled. She could claim they were on an old cell phone that she thought she'd traded in and recently found. Or she might have a witness who saw Cricket biting other people. The theory here is that she might be trying to engineer a "Covington Catholic/Nick Sandmann" moment in her favor. The proof behind this theory would be the revelation of exculpatory evidence in another week or two.

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  3. Lee2253

    rehome it. That is what she did.

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  4. Sean Smith

    Uh, Hitler killed his dog.

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    1. David Franco

      Epic

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    Paul

    I’m willing to bet Noem didn’t shoot any dog or goat. I’m further willing to bet her handlers thought the stories would make her the second coming of Sarah Palin.

    When society reduces politics to professional wrestling, the scripts get dumber and dumber.

    Idiocracy all the way around. In two weeks, MTG will claim to have shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die.

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      David Chen

      I would only be mildly surprised if a modern GOP candidate claimed to have killed the women and then raped the the cattle.

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        Ben Connelly

        That made me laugh!

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  6. VV

    FYI the caption under the photo is in need of correction: Kristi Noem is the governor of South Dakota, not North Dakota.

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      MattA

      SD gave her the option to enter the transfer portal rather than get cut.

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  7. Jfan

    I once had the opportunity to attend a Christopher Cox fundraiser which would feature his mother, Tricia Nixon Cox. I thought that if I attended I would want to ask her about Checkers.

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  8. Larry H

    That said, Biden could have gained some cred by doing this to Commander.

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      Abridge683

      I have no idea who he'd gain "cred" with but I don't want to meet them.

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  9. Sactownjoey

    Best line of the entire piece: "Trust me: If there were any advantage to career advancement in the GOP by killing puppies, Elise Stefanik would have blown up a kennel long ago."

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  10. Val Xavier

    We bred dogs to be what they are on purpose, and our symbiosis with them is among the most beautiful things on Earth. We OWE them a good life.

    While I will not exaggerate the Noem’s depravity by calling it “the worst,” I will say it is a close second to forms of cruelty and abuse directed at children. To prey upon creatures WE developed to assist us in this cold world, then to leverage such cold cruelty specifically for political gain, I can not overstate how sick that is.

    We can point this wrath directly at her, but there is at least some reason to believe thanks to the MAGA people who responded in protest, that perhaps a small glint of daylight exists among the populists. I want to be fair. If it's there, it's dim. But there it must be.

    This story and her clear motivations persuasively captured by Nick indicate something very sinister. We are sick in our minds, sick in our hearts, sick in our souls. Sure, we can excise a simple nobody with depraved political aspirations easily enough. But the Trump points persist. That we can not muster what plainly must be done to excise this disease from our midst, even in the face of clear supporting evidence not even addressed in this column, is deeply distressing. And it gets worse by the day.

    I read in a book once about another prominent political figure living in another era who murdered a puppy. I read that book ten years ago, and it still sickens me to think about that story. A puppy. A PUPPY.

    Was it true? Or was it an exaggeration? I don’t really care, to be frank, because the murderer - I fully believe him capable of it.

    And so now, we can equate Kristi Noem with Che Guevara in that they’re so beholden to the evil of their leaders, they can murder puppies for it.

    That’s what we’re dealing with.

    Thank you Nick. I at least understand it better now, even if I still have a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.

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    1. Tom Johnson

      *** While I will not exaggerate the Noem’s depravity by calling it “the worst,” I will say it is a close second to forms of cruelty and abuse directed at children. ***

      It’s significant that neither major party’s platform addresses child abuse or animal cruelty.

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        Abridge683

        It is - because it's simply a given - don't abuse children and don't abuse animals. It's a norm. It doesn't NEED to be said. Well, not until now.

        Which may well be your point.

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        1. Tom Johnson

          I see what you mean, but as social problems they still need to be combatted. I wish just once in a forum candidates would be asked what they'll do if elected to reduce either one, to uphold these norms that are violated all too often.

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      Arrbee

      My daughter and I have always been totally in love with our dogs. We look at their unconditional love and loyalty and we constantly say to each other "we don't deserve dogs". By "we" we mean people. The reason that this type of abuse sickens people is because of the dog's innocence, meaning that we need to teach them right and wrong, and at the same time their dependence and trust of their family members.

      We domesticated dogs and made them our companion over thousands of years. A dog starved for affection is more damaged than a dog that occasionally experiences hunger. We're responsible for them.

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      Soniak21

      Your almost-comparison of dogs to children (which I agree with) explains why this transcends MAGA: It's personal to too many people. If she'd bragged about hurting a small child in a similar tone, most everyone with kids would recoil in horror—and so would most everyone *without* kids, because you don't need to actually have kids to feel viscerally that the helpless and innocent need protection.

      Dog abuse may be one step down on the horror scale, but most people's feelings on the subject are almost the same. It's too easy, for too many people, to imagine their own precious furry friend in Cricket's place. When it's about your *family*, it hits you on a level deeper than politics—and Kristi Noem vicariously messed with people's families. Thank God that's still a bridge too far.

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        Abridge683

        Which is why Michael Vick wasn't cut any slack when he was involved with dog fighting. Even being an NFL star won't save you from that. Although I have a horrible feeling that may be changing?

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