In Defense of Manly Tears

Civilization depends on finding constructive outlets for male passion.

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(Photo via Getty Images)

Dear Reader (even you iron aficionados),

The first time I was on a panel with William F. Buckley, I was nervous because I was on a panel with William F. Buckley. We were talking about male politicians who cry. I believe Bill Clinton had recently gotten weepy about something or other. Buckley took me by surprise and asked something like, “Surely, Jonah, our animadversion should not be aimed wholesale against lachrymosity per se. Wouldn’t you agree?”

I had something of a panic attack because for the life of me I had no idea what lachrymosity meant. But I somehow came up with a reply that didn’t result in Buckley asking, “Who hired this guy?”

Lachrymosity—the tendency to weep or cry – is a tough one for men. We’re not supposed to do it much, if at all. When Don Geiss (Rip Torn) taps Jack Donaghy as his successor in 30 Rock, Jack cries with joy. Geiss tells him “You get one cry in life, you’ve chosen well.”

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  1. Avatar photo
    Stephen Maturin

    I've got two comments.

    If we could afford it I'd be glad to be a house husband. I like doing housework for some reason and frankly I'm better at it than my wife. My mom was a stay-at-home mom but I had 4 brothers so my parents wisely concluded that they had 5 workers to help with household chores. We did laundry, cooked, washed dishes, vacuumed, etc. To this day I still like doing that stuff. The work never ends but there is a lot of satisfaction in seeing a gleaming clean kitchen.

    Second comment. I agree with all the information regarding men and the decrease in the opportunities to do "man stuff". However, I work in the highway construction industry (or adjacent to it) and we are having a hard time finding anyone who wants to work in these traditionally male-dominated jobs. You would think that men would be flocking to this sector since it gives you the chance to work with your hands, operate machinery, and make something concrete that you can look at and say, "I made that". I can't reconcile these two facts that the labor market is trending to a more feminine skill set so men are having a harder time finding their place, while there are thousands of good paying jobs that are sitting unfilled because men don't want to work hard and sweat anymore.

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    Matmos

    I'd encourage taking a more expansive view on the nature of women's labor. While the assumption of many is that women traditionally were homemakers exclusively, this was really only an option for many as of the 1950's when we had enough prosperity to support the luxury of a housewife. For many families and for the vast majority of human history, women have always "worked" (ie done economically productive activities), especially in lower-income families. Women on a family farm or in the family fishery made very important economic contributions, whether or not they had a paid job.

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  3. Pwjohns1983

    I would say that men and women have a different burden in life: A woman’s burden is that she bears most of the actual work of reproduction (pregnancy, childbirth, breast feeding) and only has a limited period of time with which to reproduce and this imposes constraints on her that men dont face. A man’s burden is frankly to be born with bad motivations (basically sex and ego). We have to get up every day and either say no to our instincts or find a positive outlet for them. Also given that our motivations are bad it can be hard to ask our spouses to give us these things unconditionally and can lead a lot of men to suffer in silence. I definitely think that one of the reasons that men are falling behind in the world is that society on the whole doesnt want to have a frank conversation about male human nature because it is dark, but it is needed.

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      Ben Connelly

      “ I definitely think that one of the reasons that men are falling behind in the world is that society on the whole doesnt want to have a frank conversation about male human nature because it is dark, but it is needed.”

      I agree with that. People try to pretend there isn’t a difference between men and women, but there is. As a Christian, I believe we’re all equally capable of sin, but men and women are often tempted towards different ones. The most glaring difference between men and women is the male propensity for violence. Men commit something like 98% of violent crime. It’s naive to believe that this is the result of indoctrination by the patriarchy rather than an innate difference from birth. There’s this idea on the left that talking about masculinity causes make bad behavior, when it’s almost the reverse: strong fathers and other role models can teach young men how to channel their nature for good rather than bad. (This is akin to the fallacy that building more ships and bombs causes war, rather than preventing war.)

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    Cwenystroms

    Your emphasis on "earned success' as other than economic success (high income; substantial net worth; big home(s); fancy car) is very important. One often hears politicians, economists, and (particularly) talking heads bemoan the "fact" that conditions today are so bad that the aspiration that one's children are "better off" than you are is no longer attainable. That definition of better off is warped. It was okay and understandable when held by the post WWII generation's hopes for their children, and it was often realized. (I'm 81. My parents "graduated" from 8th grade; I have an MBA.) However, once a level of (intergenerational) economic wellbeing has been achieved by one generation such that the lifestyle downside is largely covered for their offspring, those offspring have the opportunity to pursue personally satisfying and socially valuable careers ( e.g. teaching; not-for-profit endeavors; etc.) while still being able to provide a quality lifestyle and education to their families. Those "kids" do not have to make more money or acquire greater corporate title than their parents. Great column, Jonah.
    ps: I share you affection for double entendre and found your reference to Josh Hawley's Manhood amusing. Unfortunately, because I live in St Louis he is one of my Senators.

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  5. Drussell2337

    My wife and I taught my son to embrace his physical and mental gifts, to respect and protect the ladies and to not take advantage of those weaker than him. He ended up embracing military service and now service as a first responder (a life of service to others) all by himself. Through his youth, which included attendance at both a private Christian school and a local STEM focused public high school, there was a disturbing trend to talk about masculinity as a negative trait - always combined with "toxic," as if masculinity itself was toxic. Things like risk taking, harmless rough housing that is typical among young men, embracing physicality through contact sports, strength training or exposing oneself to the rigors of minimalist camping or hiking - these things were permitted but talked about in a way that made them sound like symptoms of a problem, and not positive things in and of themselves. We even ran into blowback regarding teaching him to be a protector regarding the ladies - some folks found that to be offensive to women - as far as I can tell some see this as characterizing women as less capable, when in fact the intent was to use a man's physical advantages in a noble fashion. Well, fortunately, we didn't pay attention to what, at the time, seemed to be an overly negative way to view the world in general. We stuck to our guns, he embraced his masculinity in a manner that were are proud of. Emotional expression was part of that upbringing - it's ok to feel what you feel, and there are a select group of people you can share that with (the people who love you), but at the same time don't wear your heart on your sleeve - remember that other people have their own problems to deal with too and they don't need or want yours. His wife, God bless her, routinely tells us what a wonderful man we raised - that is a joyful thing to hear.
    I'd say stick to positive expressions of traditional manhood, and acknowledge that mental acuity is also very important for professional success. I didn't talk much about academics above - I'll just say that good grades were his ticket to be able to participate in the other stuff. :)

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  6. Dscherdt

    Jonah, as a father of 3 boys (& 1 girl!) I appreciated your Friday G-File and your conversation with Sarah on the struggles young men are having. If you’re looking to continue the conversation, I’d recommend Aaron Renn. You can get a sample of his writing here: https://ifstudies.org/blog/what-is-healthy-masculinity

    Thanks and God Bless You

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    Michael Salardino

    What a tremendous column! Any man who doesn't cry at the end of Saving Private Ryan, or for that matter, the most recent Toy Story, is not a man I would trust. I cry when I just think about my cats dying before me. Jonah, you seem to cut through the crap better than most. Thank you for sharing your wisdom (and heart) with us!

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    Charley Warns

    If memory serves, I believe it was C.S. Lewis who said: "Crying is all right in its way while it lasts. But you have to stop sooner or later, and then you still have to decide what to do."

    That said ... the priest began to talk about his 90 year old mother at the end of mass today and got all choked up . In a hasty departure, he looked straight ahead as he was visibly distraught with emotion. I'm more suspicious of the guy who won't expose a soft heart while talking about his mother. For that reason, I don't go there as I don't want to show emotion. So on one hand, I don't want to see you cry, but on the other, there's something wrong with you if you don't.

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  9. D Rudy

    Men should never be ashamed of their tears. Especially, if the tears are for someone else and not themselves.

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    Martin Hernandez

    Thanks Jonah, my wife and I have been talking a lot about this because of what we see in the lives of those we work and share our neighborhood with. One great point my wife made, you mention low-income women and marriage but she interacts with many middle class women who if divorced don’t want to remarry because they’ve had these experiences where they do everything around the house, have to pick up or resolve the messes from their husbands. Then, after behaving like defacto mothers these men want them to be intimate with them? It’s kind of weird and gross for those women. I thought it was an interesting point that shows how this slides into worsening intramarital situations.

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      Kmregan7

      Thank you for bringing this up. The women I know talk about this - many call it 'weaponized incompetence" and that's probably true for a lot of cases. Others, more kindly, call it obliviousness - that for some reason men (by virtue of never having been taught? I don't know) just don't notice things are needing to be done. So on one hand, we have many men who do in fact do more around the house than say, a man in the 1940s might have, definitely pitches in more with children (diapers, nighttime feedings, hands-on parenting, etc.), but at the same time we also have many, many men who as you said make their wives feel like de facto mothers.....and then complain that physical intimacy is lacking.

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      1. Avatar photo
        Martin Hernandez

        Thank you for commenting too, my wife will be glad others share her concerns. I can’t speak for other men and I know there isn’t a single silver bullet fix. That being said, there’s one memory J have that has consciously and unconsciously guided me in life and it was seeing my father go from breadwinner to supporting cast. He was a Mad Men type who came home late smelling of gin. One car accident and a business bankruptcy later, my mom had to step up, start a catering business and then she became top dog. My father, without having a meltdown (that I witnessed)all of a sudden was running out for groceries, packing catering orders, taking me to sports practices etc. We can change, and we can be something better from the getgo.

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