Parenting Against the Spirit of Fear

As kids face a mental health crisis, it’s time to ask–are we training our kids to be like ourselves?

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I grew up during a scary time. My first political memories are of the Iran hostage crisis, sitting in long gas lines, and seeing glimpses of news reports about the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan. There was a palpable sense of American decline (the recession of 1981 and 1982 was brutal), and a deep fear that the escalating Cold War could grow hot, which would likely have meant mass death and the end of civilization as we knew it. 

Moreover, social maladies plagued our land. Divorce rates were at an all-time high. Abortion and murder rates peaked. 

If I had to peg the year of peak anxiety, it would be 1983. In September, a Soviet fighter shot down Korean Air Lines Flight 007, a passenger jet carrying 269 passengers and crew, including an American congressman. In November, ABC aired The Day After, a movie that depicted a sudden Soviet nuclear strike. Everyone watched it. I can still remember the hushed halls at school the next day. 

Watch it now, and you can’t get past the 1980s special effects. But if you watched it then, it felt real. And what we didn’t know in November 1983 was that mere days before, during NATO’s Operation Able Archer ‘83, the Soviets had placed their nuclear forces on high alert. 

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  1. Michelle C

    Although I agree with a lot of your points, I am concerned that this might not be a good time or place to highlight them. It feels a bit tone deaf.

    https://bariweiss.substack.com/p/the-teen-girls-arent-going-to-forget?r=2jxh5&s=r&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web&utm_source=direct

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    Ben Connelly

    Thanks for writing about this. It’s a very important and complicated topic. I do think social media and the pandemic and also unnatural lifestyles (too much time indoors, sedentary, on screens - regardless of what is actually being done on those screens) play roles.

    David, you bring up a valuable point about parents showing anxiety in the household. I hadn’t really thought about it that way. My parents had (and have) a good marriage and great careers and we were a close family, so home for me was a rock of calm and comfort and happiness. I remember 9/11 and my father explaining to me what happened (I was five) and I can remember bad things happening in the world in the news as a kid. But it never affected my parents’ home life and that rubbed off on me. I’ve never lost sleep over something in the news (as far as I can remember). So in many ways, my childhood was perhaps similar to yours.

    My parents were a little overprotective, but probably compared to some of my peers’ parents not at all. I definitely had a lot of free play and time to myself. When I have kids, I want to ensure I create the kind of environment for them that my parents created for me. I will try to keep the advice in this newsletter in mind when I go about that.

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    Mike

    I have three teens, and when I look at them it’s like looking into the mirror and seeing a reflection of myself and their mother. Children are what their parents make them. Completely.

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    SD

    You have given me a lot to think about. I, too, have become increasingly alarmed at the rise in teen mental health issues across class and race in this country. At least one of my kids has bouts of depression and anxiety. People have often said that the rise in mental health issues is due to helicopter parenting, which we do not do. (Many criticized us for letting our kids walk to school alone, started in third grade even though it is half a mile away and there is a crossing guard!) And certainly many of the financially struggling families in my community do not because they just don't have the time and opportunity. But I have done many of the other things described in this article.

    We talk a lot about politics and current events, and I am afraid we might talk about them in a doomsday sort of way. And I don't think I have adequately expressed how my faith ultimately gives me hope and optimism.

    My kids are in their late teens, so there may not be much I can do for them at this point, but I am going to think about your words in my various roles where I interact with youth. Thanks for this column.

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    DavidS

    Thank you for this...I'm sharing with my young adult children as a way to start a conversation about how we raised them and what kind of parents they intend to be. =)

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    Bill Nelson

    “… there is no formula for raising kids.”
    There is, and it’s quite simple: pay attention. When you pay attention you know what to expect from your children’s judgement, you know what your children are doing and how well they are doing. Armed with that small piece of information you can set good goals. But just pay attention.
    Paying attention takes time and must be a priority. The story Ben Carson told of his mother requiring her sons to read to her, when she was illiterate (they did not know this) fits nicely. When my eldest was 10 he began pitching in baseball. Every game day his mother would crouch down by the fence and catch 20 or 30 balls as practice. Her shins were bruised the entire season.

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    Earl King

    The latest kerfuffle in the culture war is the meltdown on the left at not being able to discuss sexual preference and gender identity with a 5 and 6 year old in Florida schools. I saw several stories this weekend about teachers who felt they were forced to resign from teaching because they couldn’t discuss their sexual preferences. One told a story of taking a day or so off for her wedding to her gay partner. The kids asked upon her return where she went. She was heartbroken she wasn’t able to tell the kids about her her wedding to a gay partner. Of course I immediately ask myself why couldn’t she say she got married. Why did she feel it was important to discuss her gay wedding? There may be some parents who want teachers to discuss these things with such young people but I think would want her to teach the subjects we need our kids to learn about.
    Which brings me to the point and my response to DF essay. As a kid I didn’t have to worry about much of anything. If that makes me privileged so be it. I didn’t worry about my next meal. My parent was a child of the Depression, my only worry was whether it would be Liver or other offal. My after school days consisted of patrolling alleys for good Fort Building material or riding my bike in to the oil fields to hunt for frogs. Seriously, a 5 year old needs to have a discussion about sexual identity? No he or she does not at that age. We have dragged our children into our politics where progressives who want to fundamentally change America dwell. I see it in my work I see it in my daughters. Anxiety, depression, difficulty with self esteem...It is all there. In the end we have failed to protect them while they were developing in to Adults. There are plenty of Adult items to discuss but the propagandizing of our youth to fit in to a perfect voter for Progressives obviously has had a deleterious effect on our children. If that makes me a Conservative, I accept that label. There is a time a place for everything, including the space to be a kid.

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      Mudskipper

      Earl--do you think a gay teacher should or shouldn't be able to talk about their personal life in the same way a straight teacher can? Let's take the example you give and say that the gay teacher said "I got married." And the kid, being a kid, asks who she got married to. What do you think should be her response in that case? A straight teacher might say "I got married to my boyfriend, Dave." Do you think she'd be out-of-line and be potentially on the end of a lawsuit if she said "I got married to my girlfriend, Sharon?"

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        Earl King

        A response of my husband or my wife should be sufficient. When our children are like 15th in world rankings for STEM sexual preference and gender identity is not urgent and frankly with a 5 or 6 yr old not necessary. My two daughters have gay friends and don’t think anything of it. We don’t not need to be indoctrinating children that young. Parents have a responsibility as well and I believe that these many of culture war crap does not belong in school. We don’t ask Teachers to share their sex life preferences or anything else. That is not what they are there for.

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  8. Tkulage

    David -

    This is a wonderful article. I’m a young(ish) not-yet-married guy with no kids, so it’s rarely my place to insert my opinion on child-rearing. But with that said, I am on the board of a truly amazing organization in St Louis called CHADS Coalition (Communities Healing Adolescent Depression and Suicide), started by an amazing woman who lost her son to suicide about 15 years ago. She (and her husband) made it their mission to follow through on their son Chad’s hopes in the throes of his battle - to tell every kid and family about the disease and remove the stigma - which gave birth to CHADS’ mission to save young lives by advancing the awareness and prevention of depression and suicide. My involvement has been heartbreaking to see the pain of so many young people and families, but encouraging to see the work of so many passionate people trying to make a difference and their progress in the community.

    So articles like yours immediately catch my attention, and your words resonate. Obviously we must be careful casting blame towards parents of kids suffering from mental health challenges (which you note at the end of your article) but the societal and cultural trends you outline and their impact on youth mental health are hard to deny. You mention The Coddling of the American Mind, which has always been one of my favorite articles (and eventual book) - I’ve often quoted its contents, and what I find incredibly interesting is that even if one doesn’t want to be a “helicopter or snowplow” parent, society can force it, which I think is what we’re seeing - it’s very hard being the only mom in the neighborhood who doesn’t stand with their kid at the bus stop these days, or when you see every other kid in the neighborhood enrolled in 7 sports year round, I could easily see many otherwise wonderful parents react by signing their kid up for 8.

    But the more interesting point, one that I’ve not thought of - the trickle down effect of parental political (and other) stress, anxiety, anger, frustration, divisiveness, etc. that seems to be ever-growing and evermore present in our everyday lives.

    Paul’s words are absolutely spot on and I appreciate and often forward your articles that remind us of our Christian principles and beliefs when political objectives begin to overtake them. I know you take a lot of flack (to put it mildly) for holding “your side” accountable, but I for one appreciate your wisdom and guidance.

    Todd

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      Bill Nelson

      “… young(ish) not-yet-married guy with no kids, so it’s rarely my place to insert my opinion on child-rearing.”
      You are in perfect position.

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    Julia Hayes

    I love this. I am part of the beginning of the generation that is discussed in Coddling. I graduated high school in 2012, and I experience anxiety in my own life. My husband and I live in Raleigh, near Southeastern! I wish I could have been there for your talk! As my husband and I begin to raise a family and have kids, we have talked about some of these same issues. We both want our kids to have limited or smart access to social media, we want to have a lot of time outdoors and in unstructured play etc. We talk a lot about schools and how we want to handle certian issues such as LGBTQ and race issues. We are also members of The Summit Church and are very thankful for their guidance and wisdom on these issues and how we should discuss them with our future children. David, you have no idea how much your writing has blessed me and given me words for how I feel on issues, or have challanged my own gut reactions on an issue. You and the rest of the Dispatch family has really calmed my response to news and helped me feel more informed on legal and political issues. Thank you so much for all you do, God is using you through The Dispatch to speak truth and wisdom. Please come back to Raleigh, NC soon! :)

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    Pboyd

    Our family is going through this exact serious problem with one of my grandchildren, due to many things ( ironically, helicopter parenting is NOT one of them). At church yesterday, I was struck by how many of our prayers (from the Book of Common Prayer) focus on giving us peace, courage, hope, and joy. We don't ask to be relieved of our problems but rather give us strength to find our way through them so that we can with courage, come to find hope, peace, and joy.

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